Post by Casey Winslow on Apr 27, 2009 10:13:56 GMT -8
26 August 2010
I haven't written in this thing in so long. Probably because there's been nothing to write of late. Everything's been more or less depressing and lonely. My son hates me and makes it clear every day of the week and every waking hour. I can't seem to get close enough to Evie to make any progress, though we are crossing paths more often.
But maybe today something good happened. I ran into Kara. I let her in on my secret. I have someone to talk to, someone adult enough to understand what it is I'm going through. Doesn't mean I'll actually unload on her much as that wouldn't be fair to her, but still, to have some sort of companionship that doesn't include Warren or Darque or some other Death Eater scum will be nice. I simply have to be careful that I am not caught, right? It could mean death to her and me both and death to my plan. Evie would forever be stuck with Trevor.
But I've been thinking lately. What if it's better for her to stay with Trevor? What if it's better for me to move on, to just watch and make sure she's safe and be there for her if she needs me? No, it's not what I want. I want her back, and there's no two ways about that, but to have to live with the reality that she was raped however many times over the course of the year she's been gone in all actuality, for I know with her past with Trevor, she wouldn't have willingly given in, to live with the reality of more than the lost twins, the reality of a lost daughter and a past forgotten... How can that be fair? It isn't. Then again, not giving her the choice isn't exactly fair either. I don't know. I'm at a loss. I'm confused.
And I only added to my confusion tonight with Kara. I told her the truth, naturally, about her father--not just about Jules and me. And anyway, I was comforting her, helping her through things, and then this overwhelming urge to kiss her overcame me, and I gave in. I left before it could go further, but still... I don't know what to do. I clearly owe her an apology. I said, "I'm sorry," a few times, but I don't know that that's enough. But obviously, if I want Evie back, I can't let my old feelings for Kara come back. They were only there before because she reminded me of Evie before this whole mess started and before she started insisting on enslaving me and keeping me with her 24/7. Kara was my escape then, just as I suppose she is now. It's dangerous to play with fire, I know, but the thought of avoiding her, of never seeing her again? It's disconcerting.
And I should probably get going. Overtime tomorrow. Bloody wonderful.
K.B.