Post by Kyle Camden on Sept 23, 2009 2:03:53 GMT -8
Monday, December 20th 2010; 7:30 PM
Things had gone from bad to worse... worse than worse. The situation was so bleak he wasn't sure there was any way for it to turn around. He had thought things had come crashing down around him when he looked at this morning's paper. Little did he know that there was a whole lot more to come crashing down when he saw a special Evening Edition of the Prophet. He had only been in Hogsmeade by chance tonight, hoping to find someone to get back in contact with the Order. He had been so out of touch with them lately that he had no idea what might be going on. Obviously he couldn't go back to the safehouse as it had switched locations months ago. He was still reeling from the morning news of Evie's death that his insides might as well have melted when he read the evening edition. Damien Noland had been captured... the words echoed in his ears. No... it wasn't possible... Why would he leave the safehouse!? His head was spinning with so many thoughts and yet felt completely blank and empty at the same time.
He now found himself wandering the streets of muggle London with so many emotions brewing over all at once that he wasn't quite sure what he was feeling. It certainly wasn't the calm and collected Kyle everyone knew and expected. Where had that Kyle gone? Why was he so emotional? Where was the reasoning, the rationale? It had been wiped clear from him the night of the attack on Hogwarts. Reason had failed him that night, and if he couldn't trust his own logic then what else was there to turn to but the emotions he had pent up for so long? It was all so overwhelming and it consumed him night and day. He feared the road he was taking, as if some part of the old Kyle was screaming somewhere in the back of his mind.
And perhaps that part of his mind was right. He had followed his emotions, determined to save Evie as some sort of final favor to a fallen friend, and he had failed... miserably. Logic... Emotion... Both had failed him in the end. What did he have left to turn to if all roads lead to failure? Was this the story of his life? One horrible mishap after another, unable to get any sort of joy or fulfillment out of a miserable life, destined to die alone, crushed and defeated? If so, then what was the point in any of this? What was the point in trying, in living? Kyle desperately grasped for some string or thread to hold onto, but they were few and he could feel himself slipping.
He looked back on his life, and, really, what had he amounted to? Nothing. He had studied hard in school, lived a life of blissful naivety, so that he would ultimately be a failure in the end. When he graduated from school the first thing he had done was enlist in the Order and "fight the good fight". He hadn't focused on himself, on his own career, on what he wanted to do. He had taken a job at the Ministry to be a contact for the Order. A load of paperwork: that's all that was. But then, for a few shining years, all was calm and at rest. He finally had time for himself and could focus on his own needs. Yet what did he do? Devoted himself to a teaching job at Hogwarts, helping others to learn about magic. Still, for even a brief moment he had thought he'd found happiness. Of course it always came back to his dedication to his friends and the future. It was always about others, never himself. Maybe that was the real reason he was in this situation, the reason for why he had failed at being a human being. He had cared too much for others that he hadn't done anything for himself.
Frankly at this point he didn't give a damn about himself. It was too late to change that fact. He couldn't change who he was, what he had become. And if he didn't care about himself, how could he possibly motivate himself to do anything at all. It just all went around in circles... the worthlessness, the pain, the fear, the guilt, the pointlessness. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to stop thinking, to stop feeling. How was he supposed to deal with this? What reason did he have to go on? Before tonight, a voice somewhere in his mind might have rang out 'Bridget' or the 'Order' or even 'hope' and 'a better future'. Well those things had been single-handedly crushed tonight. The Order, along with all of its hope and promise of a better future, were gone as were the chances of him ever getting to have a normal life he could spend with Bridget or any of his other friends.
Every now and again, thoughts flashed across his mind. They were impulses he feared to act on. Why? Did he fear death? Did he fear the pain of it ending? Yet he longed for relief... What was stopping him? Why couldn't he do it? What in this miserable god-forsaken life did he have left? And how did he want go out? He certainly didn't want to go out as a hero or martyr. He had already failed at those tasks and there was no point in trying now. Really, he just wanted to disappear and fade away, to just cease to exist.
Kyle had not been paying attention to where he was wandering. Though he was highly familiar with the area he was just too lost in his own sorrow to bother to care. Initially he had simply been heading to his flat, but really, what was the point? Now he was just aimlessly wandering about. He also had the distinct suspicion that ever since he had been trying to get in contact with Evie that he was being watched and followed. On top of that, without a job he was slowly running out of money. It didn't matter now though... Nothing did.
Things had gone from bad to worse... worse than worse. The situation was so bleak he wasn't sure there was any way for it to turn around. He had thought things had come crashing down around him when he looked at this morning's paper. Little did he know that there was a whole lot more to come crashing down when he saw a special Evening Edition of the Prophet. He had only been in Hogsmeade by chance tonight, hoping to find someone to get back in contact with the Order. He had been so out of touch with them lately that he had no idea what might be going on. Obviously he couldn't go back to the safehouse as it had switched locations months ago. He was still reeling from the morning news of Evie's death that his insides might as well have melted when he read the evening edition. Damien Noland had been captured... the words echoed in his ears. No... it wasn't possible... Why would he leave the safehouse!? His head was spinning with so many thoughts and yet felt completely blank and empty at the same time.
He now found himself wandering the streets of muggle London with so many emotions brewing over all at once that he wasn't quite sure what he was feeling. It certainly wasn't the calm and collected Kyle everyone knew and expected. Where had that Kyle gone? Why was he so emotional? Where was the reasoning, the rationale? It had been wiped clear from him the night of the attack on Hogwarts. Reason had failed him that night, and if he couldn't trust his own logic then what else was there to turn to but the emotions he had pent up for so long? It was all so overwhelming and it consumed him night and day. He feared the road he was taking, as if some part of the old Kyle was screaming somewhere in the back of his mind.
And perhaps that part of his mind was right. He had followed his emotions, determined to save Evie as some sort of final favor to a fallen friend, and he had failed... miserably. Logic... Emotion... Both had failed him in the end. What did he have left to turn to if all roads lead to failure? Was this the story of his life? One horrible mishap after another, unable to get any sort of joy or fulfillment out of a miserable life, destined to die alone, crushed and defeated? If so, then what was the point in any of this? What was the point in trying, in living? Kyle desperately grasped for some string or thread to hold onto, but they were few and he could feel himself slipping.
He looked back on his life, and, really, what had he amounted to? Nothing. He had studied hard in school, lived a life of blissful naivety, so that he would ultimately be a failure in the end. When he graduated from school the first thing he had done was enlist in the Order and "fight the good fight". He hadn't focused on himself, on his own career, on what he wanted to do. He had taken a job at the Ministry to be a contact for the Order. A load of paperwork: that's all that was. But then, for a few shining years, all was calm and at rest. He finally had time for himself and could focus on his own needs. Yet what did he do? Devoted himself to a teaching job at Hogwarts, helping others to learn about magic. Still, for even a brief moment he had thought he'd found happiness. Of course it always came back to his dedication to his friends and the future. It was always about others, never himself. Maybe that was the real reason he was in this situation, the reason for why he had failed at being a human being. He had cared too much for others that he hadn't done anything for himself.
Frankly at this point he didn't give a damn about himself. It was too late to change that fact. He couldn't change who he was, what he had become. And if he didn't care about himself, how could he possibly motivate himself to do anything at all. It just all went around in circles... the worthlessness, the pain, the fear, the guilt, the pointlessness. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to stop thinking, to stop feeling. How was he supposed to deal with this? What reason did he have to go on? Before tonight, a voice somewhere in his mind might have rang out 'Bridget' or the 'Order' or even 'hope' and 'a better future'. Well those things had been single-handedly crushed tonight. The Order, along with all of its hope and promise of a better future, were gone as were the chances of him ever getting to have a normal life he could spend with Bridget or any of his other friends.
Every now and again, thoughts flashed across his mind. They were impulses he feared to act on. Why? Did he fear death? Did he fear the pain of it ending? Yet he longed for relief... What was stopping him? Why couldn't he do it? What in this miserable god-forsaken life did he have left? And how did he want go out? He certainly didn't want to go out as a hero or martyr. He had already failed at those tasks and there was no point in trying now. Really, he just wanted to disappear and fade away, to just cease to exist.
Kyle had not been paying attention to where he was wandering. Though he was highly familiar with the area he was just too lost in his own sorrow to bother to care. Initially he had simply been heading to his flat, but really, what was the point? Now he was just aimlessly wandering about. He also had the distinct suspicion that ever since he had been trying to get in contact with Evie that he was being watched and followed. On top of that, without a job he was slowly running out of money. It didn't matter now though... Nothing did.