Post by Trevor Williams on Apr 4, 2012 22:06:39 GMT -8
Evie Winslow = Summer
Casey Winslow = Me
Sunday, July 8, 2001
Waiting for Evie to get better at her own pace was beginning to get tiring for Casey, had been for the past month or so since Voldemort's defeat especially. It had been nearly two months since Trey's little to-do with his wife, and still it seemed she was in recluse, keeping people out, only speaking when she absolutely had to or wanted to negate something he said. Post-traumatic stress was what the doctors he had spoken to without Evie around were calling it, said that it was normal for patients who went through things to withdraw from the world, even the ones they loved, but it was hurting Casey to see Evie like that for so long. It wasn't his wife, not the woman he had married, not the woman he had fallen in love with.
And it was that love he had for her that kept him there beside her day in and day out whenever he could. He'd never gone to the Quidditch try-outs for the Irish team and had already confirmed that his letter of resignation from Hogwarts was still in effect for the schoolyear that was coming up in less than two months. Of course, not teaching or playing Quidditch left him with a bit of a problem, seeing as with Evie in the state she was in, he had to suddenly become the sole bread winner, which he would have been fine with, but it put a lot of stress on him, having to work and be Mr. Mum. He'd soon found he had no clue how Evie did all she had done before between taking care of Julian, teaching, cleaning house, and cooking. A lot more effort than he'd ever thought.
But, after getting his work-from-home job in some department or another of the Ministry (Yes, he'd swallowed his pride and walked inside that building and asked if there were any available jobs of that nature.) he had become like a hermit, refusing help, not really making much contact with the outside world besides letting people in to check up on Evie. To be quite frank, those people annoyed him, made him feel like his wife was some zoo exhibit to be pitied or something. Not to mention, they interrupted the little schedule he had going whenever they showed up on the doorstep. Work from sun-up to sun down, had even begun to get up early on his own just to have time to fit in some work before Julian woke up and wanted breakfast and someone to lend an ear for him to talk off with his incessant chatter.
Needless to say, stress was building up for him. Dealing with an active three-year-old son and a not-as-cooperative-or-helpful-as-one-might-like wife and holding down a job that required a lot of concentration and paperwork didn't exactly mix. To be honest, he was most concerned about Evie. Trying to get her to eat a decent meal to keep her healthy was a chore in and of itself. Getting her to do much of anything? Forget it! Part of him wondered if she would wet the bed and whatnot if it was socially acceptable. It wasn't helping him any. Least she could do is take care of Julian, keep him out of his hair while he worked and cleaned and cooked, but he couldn't exactly begrudge her her actions. She'd been through a lot, rather apparently, and if what he thought true was true, then needless to say, he couldn't be mad at her, but what Trey did was no reason for her to waste away.
Her wasting away like she was was as good as taking the wand from Trevor and killing herself, and that was what he was worried about...that she wanted death. Needless to say, the nurses and such upon releasing her upon his insistance that she would be better off at home with himself and Julian (though part of that had also been so they didn't run out of money on a huge hospital bill) had told him not to let her be left alone or out of sight with anything she could use to harm herself, and Casey practically did that. He had set up his desk in their room before the large window that looked over the backyard, and he was with her except for the moments when he had to take Julian outside to burn some energy, when he had to cook, or when he had to relieve himself.
Mrs. Weasley had apparently noticed the surmounting stress, as her last visit she had insisted on his relaxing, even if it was just laying next to Evie in their bed and taking a nap. He'd tried to sleep, tried to relax, but he was so used to doing for his family that it wasn't easy, especially when he found himself contemplating what he might be able to do to help Evie during the few hours Mrs. Weasley had said she'd spend with Jules in their house, cleaning and whatnot. He couldn't really do much of anything when Evie would barely let him touch her, which made him feel a little uptight and tense around her, not sure what would trigger a violent outburst. Sure, he'd learned a few of them by now (such as sandwiches were bad, as were clear glasses with water in them), but there were still several things he knew he'd yet to find out.
When Mrs. Weasley had left, she'd insisted that in a week's time he come up with something for him and Evie to do, thought maybe some alone time without him working himself riggid might do her some good, and Casey had tried to object with that she wasn't even responding to him now, barely responded to her own son. She'd declared it balderdash, said that it would do them some good and that with Arthur in the hospital hanging on for dear life she and Ginny needed something to keep their minds preoccupied. After what seemed like forever, he'd given in and had sat down, staring out the window with a glance every now and again at his wife as was fairly normal, and he had decided that maybe that cruise they'd spoke about three years ago might be the answer. It was away from everything.
So, he'd looked into it and found a fairly nice one. It cost a pretty penny, but it was worth it if he was going to try to give his wife some time away to hopefully relax. He doubted she would and planned on packing some of his work up with him because of that. He knew Mrs. Weasley would disapprove of those plans, but it was his vacation, wasn't it, and he needed something to do instead of sit in the cabin and stare at Evie or the walls, didn't he? Well, that had been decided over a week ago, and he'd managed to get some boarding tickets to the ship. He'd even slipped out shopping to buy her a new dress and some shoes, figured maybe if he surprised her with something like that she might at least feel special, though secretly he wondered if he would ever see her in the dress, which was why he'd gone and bought another one.
Yep, Julian had been very enthused about having to shop twice as long...not. Some of the places he thought his daddy looked funny in, but all the same, Julian had followed his dad, known better than to throw a fit or daddy wouldn't be completely nice...not to mention, it would mean he wouldn't get ice cream, and that day Julian had wanted ice cream.
And now, it was morning, and Casey had woke up early again to get Julian up and ready for when Mrs. Weasley to stop by to pick him up, which she had when he was in the middle of setting up Evie's tray with the bowl of fruit and some toast and a thin, tall vase with a single rose in it and a glass of apple juice. So, he'd broke from that to talk to Mrs. Weasley, and then when she'd left he'd gone back to set an envelope ('Doodle Bug' written on front) with his letter in it on the tray, semi-propped up against the vase. Subsequently, he picked up the tray by its handles before coming into their room and setting it down over her lap (the legs holding it over them for her), Casey walking around and climbing onto the bed on the other side, sitting beside her, ready for another struggle to feed her, if he had to, but at least this was something she'd usually ate before.
---
Hey Beautiful,
Just a quick note to tell you I still love you, still need you around even if you seem to want nothing to do with me. Just wish you'd talk to me, you know? I hate this, Evie. I hate how what he did to you is affecting us. It feels as though he's instilled within you the thought that I'm going to hurt you, but I can assure you I'm not. The only thing he and I have in common is that we are both men and probably wish each other dead. I wish I'd killed him for you, taken away any need for you to worry. I wish his body had been amongst those that were found on the battlefield at the end. I wish we could move past this, but I know you need to heal first. I just wish I could help somehow. I'll hold you if you need me to, sing for you, cook for you, read to you, whatever it takes. I just want you back.
Molly thought it'd be good for us to get away for a week or two or three (though, I thought she was rather pushing it, trying to keep our little boy for that long), took Julian, made me schedule something. But, you know how she is when she gets an idea stuck in her head, and you know how stubborn she is. She got me. Sort of difficult for me to say no to her. So, you know that cruise we talked about...oh, three years ago now? I booked it, and we're supposed to leave a little later this morning. Can't hurt anything, right? Either way there's a bed for you to sleep on, a hide-away bed for me if you don't want me near you at some point. So, beautiful, what do you say I draw you a nice, relaxing bath while you eat, you clean yourself up, and I pack?
Love you,
Casey
Casey
Evie sat on the bed staring out the bedroom window (which seemed to have become her favorite past time.) The blankets were gathered at her crossed feet, hair brushed and pulled back into a lose ponytail....The most she would do to herself as far as getting dressed. Just stayed in her pajamas 9 times out of 10, never left the house, hardly left the bedroom unless she needed to, still had trouble sleeping, eating, talking....
It had been about 2 months now since that night but it still replayed in her mind like it happened only an hour ago. She still relived every terror filled moment while her eyes were closed or if something set her off to remember. Casey had endured a few of her violent outburst the first few days she had been home. She didn't want to, but she couldn't help that they came.
She felt bad enough that she didn't talk to him hardly, but watching him sit at that desk day in and day out was heartbreaking. He was doing so much for her; taking care of the house, the money, Julian, her...and all she did was sit there. Casey never left her side, tried to comfort her the best to his ability when she wouldn't let him near her...She didn't deserve that, didn't deserve him.
When she heard the door open Evie looked away from the window and to the door, watching as Casey walked in with her breakfast, eyes following him as he set the tray down across her lap before going to sit on his side of the bed. Evie only ate to please him, and when she did eat it was hardly anything worth writing home about, not to mention she wasn't to found of being forced to eat when she didn't want to. Which was when she went through an episode from some trigger.
Evie looked down at the tray, eyes scanning over the bowl of fruit, looking to the left at the glass of juice, eyes following the sort of line everything made until they came to the vase and moving upward to the rose. The sides of her mouth twitched a little in her attempt to smile...Smiling wasn't something she did anymore, it just seemed so useless when she felt so dead inside. Evie did try to bring harm to herself, tried to stop her pain once before...(took a knife to her left arm where the scar from what was left of the dark mark laid, and cut across it, wanting to be rid of the horrible reminder, tried to cut it out but Casey had come in before she could make the third cut and stopped her, got her help...)
She watched the rose for a few moments (her favorite flower) until her eyes settled on the letter. Evie's body tensed and that feeling of fear returned deep within her but it was gone as soon as she read the name across the front. "Doodle Bug" only Casey called her that, Trey never knew about the name so it couldn't be him. Slowly her hand reached out for it, shaking slightly from the scare and the lack of nourishment she allowed herself and grabbed the letter, bringing it to her and opening it, beginning to read.
As Evie read the words from Casey she did manage a weak attempt at a smile, especially with the last words in the first paragraph. Her eyes closed as a few tears began to form. Why did he even bother after everything she put him through? As much as she wanted him to hold her and all those things Evie wouldn't let him, he didn't need something so vile and horrid as her near him, she didn't deserve to be comforted and cared for, she deserved to die and to be forgotten.
"Thank you.." she said quietly, opening her eyes once the tears were held back, folding the letter and setting it between her and Casey. A Cruise....She didn't know about that, what was the point in going when all she would do was sit in the cabin away from all the people, but had paid all this money for it and she had to go...Maybe it would do her some good to get some sun and get as far away from England as possible for a time.
Once the letter was laying neatly beside them Evie reached for her bowl of fruit and picked up a piece of honeydew and began to nibble at it just to please Casey, she could hardly taste the sweetness of it with as small of bites she was taking
Casey observed as Evie's eyes looked over her tray, watched as she stared at the rose for a while, her lips twitching, but it wasn't anything to go call everyone over to celebrate for. It didn't even look like a smile, really. How he missed her smile, that inner glow of confidence and happiness that seemed to radiate from her, show on her face and make him smile. He wanted her to have that back so badly. He missed her happiness, missed everything about how she was before Trey ever got ahold of her.
Had he done it again? Had he set her off? His muscles ached to move back away from her just in case, but he didn't give in, just sat there, watching her read the letter despite the shaking hands that were usually the beginning signs of one of her little fits. He wished she would tell him what the hell happened, help him keep her away from any reminders, but she didn't seem to want to let him in or share with him in any way. But, such thoughts were pushed away at the sign of the first attempt at a smile he'd seen on her face in weeks and then words from her mouth, her voice though briefly heard washing over him, more than welcome and like music to his ears.
His initial reaction was to smile himself, to give her a hug or some other sign of excited affection, but he knew better than to try to touch her in any way that could even remotely be considered intimate. So, as his hand and body moved to embrace her, he caught himself just in time, sitting with his back slumped against the headboard as he stared over at the wall, holding his arms against his body. She had to be the one to initiate a hug or whatever.
"You're welcome," he told her as he noticed her begin to eat--err, begin to nibble--out of his peripheral vision. He hated moments like this, moments when some hope of her maybe becoming somewhat 'normal' (whatever the hell that was) and talking to him, moments when happiness came and then he had to restrain showing his excitement. It was times like these when he felt most lonely despite having her there beside him.
He continued to sit there for a few moments more, staring at the wall, just breathing, holding his arms to his body, before he moved off the bed, looking back at her and flashing her a wistful sort of smile that didn't quite reach his eyes as he spoke. "So, I'll go draw you a bath, then..." he said awkwardly, shifting his weight as he watched her a little more, walking towards the master bath and kneeling down beside the tub, water thundering out of the faucet as he let his hand rest a few inches from its spout, waiting til the water felt warm enough before placing in the stopper and some lavender-scented bubble bath, letting it fill up as he stood from his kneeling position.
He walked to the linen closet and pulled out a wash cloth, draping it over the side of the tub as he glanced over towards her through the open doorway, letting out a sigh. It was too much to hope she'd let him remain in there and help relax her. He walked back to the linen closet and pulled out a regular towel and setting it within reach of the tub for whenever she was ready to get out. He remained standing near the tub, leaning against the wall and glancing over at the tub every now and again to make sure it wasn't going to overflow.
When the water reached a good level, he turned off the faucet, dipping his fingers in the water just to make sure it was nice and warm before wiping it off on his pajama pants and coming back out, sitting on the very edge of the bed. "It's, uh, it's ready."
While Casey was off in the bathroom Evie continued eating, hunger winning out after so long without a propper meal she began to eat her breakfast. Finishing half of the fruit bowl and half of the toast and about a third of the juice. Her stomach hurt from being empty for so long but at least it was semi full now.
Evie picked up the letter and re-read it again and again, her hands tensing and then flexing a little everytime she read over a part that brought back said memories. She knew she had to get over this, had to get better for her sons sake as well as Caseys but it was just so hard to do and part of her didnt want to, if she was like this forever nothing bad could ever happen to her again, she would never leave the house and so no outside evil could ever get to her.
When Casey came back out and told her that the bath was ready Evie lifted the tray and set it back on the bed as she climbed out and slowly walked toward the bathroom door, stopping in front of Casey and looking up at him for a moment before leaning up and as to give him a very small and quick kiss on the side of his face but she stopped about mid way and gave another 'thank you' instead before she walked into the room and shut the door behind her, locking it.
Being that close to him like that felt good, just the absence of it for all this time it was enough. But it shouldnt be enough, she should want to kiss him. to hold him, to be intimate with him like they were before and she did but Evie could not just bring herself to do it when she was like this, she would hurt him, Casey would think he was doing something wrong and she didnt want that. She didnt want those memories of what Trevor did to her after she woke to come forward while she was making love to her husband, so she never attempted to show any sign of it and really it was the furthest thing from her mind the first month and a half or so.
Evie inhaled the scent from the bath and let out the breath, checking around the bathroom out of habit now to make sure there wasnt anyone else in there or something before she began to undress and step into the water, sitting down and sliding back until she was comfortable, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. Trying to get her body and mind to relax but that was easier said than done now a days
Casey watched as she stopped in front of him, trying to hide the urge he had to wrap his arms around her and hold her, eyes closing as she leaned up, opening again when he didn't feel her lips touch his cheek after a few moments and hearing the door click shut and then the lock, remaining standing there for a few moments before moving to the bed and grabbing a pillow, holding it to himself as he buried his face in it, eyes shut tight. He couldn't live like this anymore, wishing for something that he could and probably would never have again in his life thanks to whatever the hell Trey did to his wife. The bastard! He wanted to kill him, and he would if ever he laid eyes on him again. He would pay for what he'd done to her, to them.
Casey wanted to at least be able to hold her, to give her a kiss on the head or forehead, something other than this nothing that he was allowed now. It was like he was a friend living with her to take care of her, pay her bills, keep her fed, keep a roof over her head but to otherwise leave her alone. That wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be her husband, her comforter, more if he could be, but he had given up hoping for it. Even now, he felt like saying, 'Screw it,' to the cruise and going off to have a firewhiskey or two or three at some bar that wasn't The Three Broomsticks, and if it weren't for what had happened last time he had gone out to drink and his newly found responsibilities, he would have done so already.
He couldn't exactly bring home a few bottles to drink. It wouldn't be permissible in his book. He couldn't drink around his wife and child. They didn't need to see him drunk, especially not Julian. Boy was already suffering enough with his mother in the state she was. And Casey felt he was expected to be the responsible one now, was expected to take care of everything now and that was becoming a burden for him now more and more. This wasn't a normal circumstance, wasn't something anyone should be going through. At least a drink or two would take off some of the edge, some of the stress, but he wouldn't allow himself that, and no one was going to come and watch Evie while he went out to do something like that. He was fine. No break for him. He'd make it. Maybe on the cruise, if Evie wouldn't come out of the cabin because he sure as hell wasn't staying inside the whole time.
But, what problems had the bottle ever solved? Nothing. It just made things worse for them, probably had damn near killed her at least once when she'd seen him with Morgana, and he'd spent the past seven months or so trying to make it up to her, trying to explain to her, only the past two months having really been able to talk to her, even if it was one-sided. He'd not picked up on her bit in the hospital, not really, and it still confused him. He didn't even bring it up over the time he'd had her home, didn't want to remember he had another kid on the way while he was working away at taking care of her. Knowing conversation was going to be one-sided, he'd tried to keep to lighthearted stuff, tried to make her smile.
An apology hadn't even passed his lips in any context that could make her think he didn't know, only always something like, "I'm sorry I let this happen to you." He blamed himself for this all. If he hadn't gone to the bottle, he'd never have met Morgana, she'd have never been able to slip him the potion, and he and Evie would never have separated, and Trey wouldn't have got her away from him like he had to do what he had. He wouldn't have dared asked a married woman to spend the night at his house, and if he had, Evie would have surely said, "No," and stopped spending time with Trey, Casey hoped. So, ultimately it was his fault, and he hated himself all the more for it, just knew that she'd realized it too and hated him even more for that.
No wonder Evie didn't talk back to him or really respond to him. No wonder Evie didn't want him to touch her. He was vile, filthy, and even if Casey had understood her words in the hospital, he would still view himself as such, as he knew he had at least been alone in a bedroom with her, had at least almost done the deed, and he also knew Morgana wasn't trustworthy, so how could he trust anything she'd said to himself or Evie? It was a lose-lose situation for himself, and his low opinion of himself wasn't helping things. It was just adding to the stress, adding to his worries. He really needed help, but Evie needed it more than he did. Withdrawing into herself couldn't be good for her at all, and she was practically a vegetable.
It took some doing but Evie slowly felt her body begin to relax, the hot steamy water and the calming scent of the bubbles sent her mind in to a sort of submission from everything else and she closed her eyes as she rested, but, like always resting her eyes was always short lived as the face of Trey always weaved its way into her visions. Evie's eyes snapped open and she sat up quickly as if he was there, looking around in a panic before realizing that it was just a dream...must have dozed off.
This was ridiculous, trying to deal by herself was getting her no where, keeping everyone out was only making things worse. Just outside this door was a man that was willing to help her for what ever reason and she was pushing him away when that really was the last thing she ever wanted. Evie wanted Casey at her side, wanted his love and that feeling of warmth and comfort he had always brought her but every time he tried to give that to her Evie shut him out.
Why? She still asked herself that question day in and day out. Was it because she didn't want to hurt him or how Trey used Casey against her like he did...Maybe a combination but Evie knew this was the real Casey, he had proven it countless times.
With a sigh once she was calmed down again Evie slid down till her head was underwater before coming back up, deciding she had been in here long enough. She wanted Casey, wanted to stop this childishness...he could hold her right? That was ok, wasnt it? wouldn't bring forth any unwanted memories that she could think of...
She took out the stopper and waited till the water was low enough before standing and turning on the shower water, pulling the curtain and began to wash herself and her hair, standing under the stream of hot water for a good 10 minutes after she was done before turning it off and reaching out for her towel. Stepping out of the tub and onto the carpet as she dried off, securing the towel around her as Evie washed her face, brushed her teeth, dried her hair etc...All of this giving her plenty of time to think.
The bathroom door opened and Evie stepped out in a fresh pair of clothes, feeling better than she had in a long time but it was far from feeling normal. Maybe it was the thought of getting away from here and everything or what she was building up to do she didn't know but the feeling was there however small it may be. Evie stood there for a moment and looked over at Casey before walking over to the bed and sitting down beside him, scooting closer and slowly and carefully setting her head on his shoulder.
All that time in the bathroom gave her time to think that this was what she wanted and needed and she had deprived herself of it long enough. How could she ever start to get better if she couldn't even allow herself to do this? She needed to get better, se was always strong before; could handle anything that was thrown at her so why was this any diffrent? Not only that but Casey had wanted this for so long and she felt she owed it to him after all the hell she put him through...Who was she kidding, Evie didnt think she would ever get better or at least not fully but she had to try even if it was for a little bit until another episode she had to try
Casey didn't even really pay attention to the sound of the shower water starting or the water pouring from the bathroom sink or even the sound of the door opening and her soft footfalls against their floor. He was still holding that pillow to himself as he leaned against the headboard. So, when Evie got on the bed, it was a bit of a surprise to him, but he didn't give any acknowledgment, didn't want to make any move that would scare her away. When he felt her rest her head against his shoulder, he let go of the pillow, setting it down beside him as he glanced over at her, eyes holding both question and desire in them...desire to hold her, to comfort her. He didn't think thinking of his wife as more than a friend in need of comfort at the moment was beneficial to him. It would only scare her away.
Taking in a swift breath and holding it, he moved his arm to rest around Evie's shoulders, eyes closing as he rested his head back against the headboard and slowly released his breath, hoping to Merlin that that hadn't been a mistake to move his arm around her shoulders. He should have just left his arm as it was, should have just let her rest her head on his shoulder and not reacted, should have let her sit there how she wanted, move his arm around her if she wanted. Every muscle in his body was tensed with fear and uncertainty, afraid his wife would have a violent reaction, afraid he would spark some memory in her that she wouldn't want. Damn it! Why did everything have to go the way it had? Why had she had to go through whatever hell she had gone through? It hurt him to see her as she was, hurt him to have to be afraid of how something he did would make her feel, hurt him to think that he could scare her, that she didn't want him.
"I'm so sorry," he said to her, tear filling his eyes as he turned his head and rested his face gently against her wet hair, breathing in the scent of her shampoo, trying to keep consciously aware of every part of his body, make sure his hand didn't start to stroke her, make sure he didn't pull her closer, make sure his body didn't react in any un-needed and un-necessary way. If she wanted affection, she'd let him know, but until then as much as he would give was to hold her and rest his face against her black hair. His muscles ached from the tension, the uncertainty, and from reigned in desire to show more compassion and comfort than he was and more, but he had to endure. At least she was letting him near, sitting with her head rested against his shoulder. It was an improvement, a step in the right direction, and he had to accept it and find it satisfying enough.
He just wished she would talk, wished she would finally tell him what had happened, but if he didn't throw on his clothes and make sure he had packed everything within the next few minutes, they wouldn't get there on time. Maybe talking would be the next step, maybe she would let him in. He wanted so badly to do Legilimens to try to find out what happened, but even if there was a way to do it without the person knowing, he wasn't the sort to invade his wife's privacy like that. He had to wait for her to come to him with that information. He wanted her to talk before anything else happened. He'd hold her as long as it took. He'd keep holding her all the way onto the boat, if he had to do so. He didn't care, just wanted to be near her, for her not to leave him. Never again would he allow harm to come to her.
But, it was like his own humanity had been revealed to him for the first time (well, second, third, fourth, or however many times in his life) this year, realizing how capable he was of failing her, realizing how capable he was of betrayal, of falling short of expectations and promises. He just hoped she was equally as capable of forgiving him. If she wasn't, he didn't know how he'd live without her. All he wanted was for her to be happy, but was it too much to ask that she try to find that happiness with him? He wanted that so badly, needed that so badly. He loved her, and he would never stop, not for as long as he drew breath. His family and his wife were his life's blood, and that was how it had always been and would always be. Life-long, enduring love.
Her eyes closed when Casey put his arm around her, muscles tensing for a moment but then the feeling passed and was replaced with a feeling of long forgotten comfort and Evie found herself putting her own arm around his middle and clinging to him for dear life.
He was her life line, always had been and she never should have questioned him. should have stuck by his side and if she had this never would have happened. This was her punishment for that, what she deserved. Now that she innicated this embrace Evie never wanted to let go, Casey would keep her safe and she never wanted to leave him, wanted to stay like this and so much more.
You didnt do anything wrong Casey Evie told him after he said he was sorry, her voice still that quiet, frail tone that had become the norm for her since the hospital. He had no reason to say he was sorry, he didnt do anything wrong
He was just a pawn in the game like her, but she was played, Trey worked her to bend at his will, anything he wanted her to do she did and why? Because she let him! She just should have stayed away but he seduced her, made her want him and she did...had almost slept with him because she thought Casey had slept with Morgana, if Evie had gone through with it and found out later that Casey hadnt after all was said and done she probably would have killed herself, would have felt so worthless that she would have ended her life.
Didn't do anything wrong? What the hell? Had Trey gone and wiped her memory or what? He'd done everything wrong from the very start, yet here she was saying he hadn't done anything wrong. Had a screw come loose? Or worse, was she blaming herself for this? If she was, he had to let her know it wasn't her fault, had to somehow tell her that, but how did you just bring something like that up without sounding like you were assuming something? It just wasn't possible. But, Evie had to know how special she was, had to know that this wasn't her fault...she had to know a lot of things; it was just a matter of how to let her know these things without sounding like a broken record or some tape player set to play some phrase over and over.
He let out a sigh, realizing that trying to move away from her when she had her arms around his waist wasn't going to get him anywhere and might just make things worse if he did manage it. Couldn't have that, now, could he? Definitely not because worse would mean her absolutely not letting him near her or anywhere around her...his one fear in this world anymore that he would admit to having. He couldn't lose Evie for good, not ever again. It tore at him to be away from her for so many months, nearly killed him to see her and Jules with that bastard. He knew too well what it was like to not have that pain or something very strongly resembling it upon thinking about losing her. It was worse than anything he had experienced except seeing her die three years ago.
"I did everything wrong, Evie, don't you remember?" he asked softly, lifting his face from her hair and resting his head back on the headboard, staring at the wall. "And because of it, when we get back from this cruise I could very well have another kid. I shouldn't have ever gone to drink, should have faced our problems, settled them like a normal person would. If I had, we wouldn't be in this mess, and you wouldn't be here, like this." His unoccupied hand gripped the sheets near the edge of the bed, eyes moving to look down at his outstretched legs. "I don't deserve you, not after what I let you go through. If I'd only been there for you..."
He let out a sharp exhale, head falling back a little more than it was as his eyes looked at the ceiling. He'd caused her to end up having to endure so much pain, and he couldn't forgive himself for it. Maybe it was better if instead of going on this cruise he moved out. Maybe she only wanted him here because of need for someone to take care of Julian while she went through whatever the hell she was dealing with. This...there was a logical explanation for why she was holding him and letting him hold her. He just couldn't come up with a logical explanation for it at the moment under the circumstances the way he viewed them. The last place on earth Evie should want to be with him is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Why had he even bothered?
He was just going to make things worse for her, make them more difficult for her, but he needed her there with him, and the feeling of her arms around his waist was far more welcome than the touch of anyone else. He should be pulling away from her, should go and finish the packing, but why? She was his wife still. He had every right to want to be near her, even if it did cause him guilt for what he had allowed her to endure. He'd been such a git, arguing with her at the one point she needed him most, rejecting her, treating her like dirt. He didn't deserve a week away with his wife at all, even if it was to try to help her. It just wasn't right.
Evie shook her head as the tears began to fall, letting out a quiet sob as he said he didn't deserve her, that he could have another kid when they got back...Didnt he know? Could he not understand her rambling that night when she escaped and came back to him. Her face turned into him for a moment and her arms stayed around him.
It wasn't real.... Evie began in a teary voice It was part of their game...You never slept with her, there is no child her hand came up to her mouth as she said that last part to try to stop the sobs. All that time he was telling the truth and she wouldn't believe him, wouldn't even give him the time of day
I'm so sorry Casey...I should have believed you. I'm so so sorry; she rambled I put you through so much hell, I doubted you. I don't deserve this, your sympathy. I should have died, I don't deserve to live, not after knowing all I did to you
The tears continued to come and she wanted to tell him everything, let him know what had happened to her that night but if she did they wouldn't make it to the ship on time and Evie didn't want to tell Casey there because that would ruin everything he worked to set up
I love you so much....I'm so sorry, I don't deserve your love she said quietly, shaking her head. Maybe now he would see that she deserved what happened to her
Not true? It was a lie? Part of their game? Was she saying that that woman had been a Death Eater? Well, if she was, it would make sense. But still, why wouldn't she go all the way? She'd always struck him as promiscuous, part of why he hated himself for continuing to go back there. He'd been asking for it, or so that was how he felt at the moment. Essentially he'd been date raped, made to do something based on presumptions that weren't true. The drugs only made it easier for her, made it so he wanted it. He would've struggled had he not had the drugs in his system.
However, that wasn't what bothered him. He didn't allow himself time to think about it in such a way. If he did, he didn't know what he'd do, but he preferred concentrating on Evie, keeping his focus on helping her instead of dealing with his own problems. Between work, cleaning the house, cooking, and taking care of Julian and Evie, he pretty much was able to avoid that he had any real problems of his own. He knew he'd done it, clearly remembered it, even if he wanted to forget it. He had chosen to drink; he had chosen her company instead of his wife's. It was his fault this all had happened.
"You're right; you don't deserve it, Evie," Casey told her, bringing his face from her hair again and moving back a little in such a way that he could look at her. "You deserve so much better. I was there, Evie; I was there. I remember every moment...kissing her, touching her. I did it, Evie. I betrayed you, and as easy as it would be to go with what you're saying, I can't. I have to own up to what I did. I know I did it. I ruined us because I had to go get a stupid drink, and look how much pain I ultimately caused you...."
He paused for a few moments, holding his breath as he chewed back his lower lip to keep tears from coming. Seeing her crying as she was had always been too hard, but right now when things were so highly emotional, it was seemingly more difficult to hold them back. "You deserve so much better than me," he continued after a few moments, bringing the back of his fingers to her face, using them to brush back some of her hair behind her ear in one fluid motion, letting his hand rest along the side of her face, stroking it despite the thought he should remove it before she got upset.
You were drugged Casey, what ever you did it wasn’t you it was the drugs Evie said, her voice calming to the point where she wasn’t balling her eyes out but s he still cried. you only betrayed me because of that, but I did it willingly. I touched him, trusted him, kissed him…Almost went all the way, nearly did until I said your name. Don’t you see Casey? You didn’t have a choice; I did and look what I would have done. How can you even look at me after all I did to you? she asked him, voice calming a little more as she spoke till it was back to its quiet tone.
It didn’t matter what he said and how much he tired to blame himself Evie knew the truth. She knew what she did willingly, what she would have done compared to Casey unwillingly doing what he did, it didn’t even compare. She just wanted to die, to escape all of this torture and hell, this healing process...ha! there was no healing, only more pain and she just wanted it to end, couldn’t he understand that?
Evie felt the soft, smooth skin of the back of Casey’s hand caress her cheek and her eyes snapped open in terror as the memory was brought back to the front of her mind.
Trey, squatting down in front of her after she was thrown into the wall, his hand coming out and gently and almost lovingly stroking the side of her face before he grabbed her and forced her up and over to the bed that he threw her down on…
As Casey’s hand began to stroke her face Evie bolted up and began to scramble back into the headboard, screaming NO!. That wild look of terror and horror in her eyes hands coming up to protect herself from her attacker (Trevor) at least that was what it seemed to her in her mind, and she began to hit him (Casey) as hard as she could, hitting his chest, arms and what ever else was in her reach. Evie’s eyes closed tightly as she did this, her legs trashing about on the bed as she screamed, head turning away from his reach so he couldn’t touch her again, the screams of terror continuing with her struggle
Casey watched as Evie's eyes snapped open in terror, heard her scream of 'No!' watched her scramble back away from him, felt her begin to hit him, his arms coming up to protect his face as he scrambled back away from her, getting off the bed. "Evie! Evie! Calm down!" he said, hoping she'd recognize his voice and calm down. More pain. He'd caused her more pain, made her feel threatened just by a simple touch that he had meant in a loving manner.
What had this man done to her? What the hell had that bastard done to her? Where was he?! He'd kill him, he would, if he could just find him. Trey was probably having the time of his life, yet here Casey was, dealing with his obviously upset wife who was trying to cause him harm because of some memory he triggered. He just stood there, staring at her upset form, wanting nothing more than to go and pull her to him, hold her, but he didn't want her to feel trapped. He'd only make it worse by trying to help. He was useless, absolutely useless to her. He couldn't help her at all.
"I'm sorry, Evie," he said in barely more than a whisper, eyes closing as he turned, walking over to the closet to pull out the half-packed suitcase, figuring they had enough normal every day clothes in there and underwear, didn't even bother packing a negligee. He'd probably never see her in one of those again. That twisted man had got her in one and then hurt her, hurt her so much she wasn't herself anymore, wasn't living, was suffering so badly that she wanted to die, and he couldn't blame her.
The dress and his suit were hanging in the dress bags, and he pulled them out, draping them over his desk chair before setting the suitcase on his desk, walking to the bathroom to gather their toothbrushes and a new tube of toothpaste, her hairbrush, some of her hair things she liked so much, and then he walked back out, packing those in the appropriate containers, sticking that into the suitcase, and then he put dress shoes in a bag, grabbed her a non-revealing nightgown and then a tank and some pajama pants, figuring she'd know what she felt more comfortable in. The dress1 was already pushing it.
He couldn't just keep ignoring her like he was now, trying so hard to calm himself down from that. He was angry right now, but not at her. He was angry at Trey, hated him with all his being, and right now he was livid. The man had done the unspeakable to his wife, and he couldn't even find him to hurt him or at least put him in Azkaban. Life wasn't anywhere near fair. Hadn't they suffered enough?! Hadn't they gone through enough? Hadn't their love proven to endure through everything? This seemed to be the ultimate test, and he wasn't sure they would make it. He hated that thought still. Five years of marriage wasn't enough; seven years of knowing her wasn't enough.
1Dress, Dress
Evie brought her knees up to her chest and put her arms around them, rocking back and forth slightly as she huddled in the corner of the bed, leaning up against the headrest. Her breathing was shallow, body trembling and her expression blank as she rocked. Hearing Casey’s voice didn’t exactly help her, after all Trey could change his looks to what ever he wanted and he made himself look like Casey so how did she know it wasn’t him?
Evie began retreating back into her mind after that, usually happened after one of these and she was like that for a few hours or days, depending on what set her off. Evie didn’t pay any attention to what Casey was doing, she even forgot he was in the room with her while he finished the packing.
How could a person live like this? Evie didnt understand how one person could handle so much at once and her heart went out to those who did. But for her, as she returned to the saftey of her mind Evie came to the conclusion that she should just throw herself overbard on the boat. Let her drown or maybe even be picked off by a shark or some other marine animal. Do it late at night so there wouldnt be many people around to stop her or notice...
Done with packing, Casey turned around to look at Evie, seeing her pathetically weak form rocking back and forth, back and forth. She was turned out to the world again, would probably be scared if he touched her, even on the shoulder to get her attention. He hated seeing her like this, made him feel so guilty to even be able to function as he was. It should be him suffering, not her. It shouldn't have been her who had to go through whatever she had, anyone but her. He didn't wish this upon anyone, but it was only natural for him to wish it was someone else Trevor had gone after.
Everything Casey would have identified with why he loved her was stripped from her, yet he still found he loved her still, yearned to take her pain away somehow and comfort her, but he didn't know how to do so when she was like this everytime he drew near her. He couldn't think of any other way to comfort her that didn't involve holding her in his arms and talking softly to her. That bastard had caused so much harm. No one should have to be so afraid of her husband as Evie was to the point he couldn't touch her in a harmless way not meant as anything more than something so innocent as to give comfort.
He took in a deep breath to hold in the tears that wanted to come at the sight of his beloved wife in the state she was and let the breath out a few seconds later as his feet moved him towards the side of the bed closest to her, eyes closing and muscles tensing as he lightly wrapped his hand around her shoulder, saying quietly, "Evie, you ok?" Oh how he hoped that didn't set her off on some sort of violent rampage again. He was still a little sore from how hard she'd hit him earlier. At least she hadn't hit his face or something. His hand dropped after giving her shoulder a quick squeeze, his fingers curling slightly as his arm hung at his side and his eyes settled on her hair.
Such a stupid question he had asked. Of course she wasn't ok. If she was ok, he wouldn't have to ask, wouldn't have to be afraid of touching her on the shoulder or anywhere else he very well pleased. She was merely an empty shell at the moment if one looked at her from the outside, but Casey knew that that mind of hers was full of thoughts, full of memories...had to be, no matter how numb she felt. She was wounded mentally and she needed help, but she wasn't willing to speak to get it.
Did she feel she was protecting him by holding it all inside? Did she realize how much it hurt him to be on the outside looking in and not knowing what was going on? Did she realize how much he loved her and wanted to help her through this trying time? Her pain was very much his own because seeing her hurt so much hurt him. He just wished she would realize that and open up to him, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon, not from the looks of things as they were right now, and he hated it, hated being kept out, hated feeling completely useless.
Evie continued her rocking but it started to get less and less as time went on, her chin resting on her knees. Had to fight it, couldn’t retreat fully, had to stay here.
When Casey placed his hand on her shoulder that was enough to bring her back. Evie jumped a little when he did but she didn’t scream out or try to hurt him, just turned her head to look at the pain filled face of her husband. Eyes looking up at him, traces of tears filling the dead brown sockets.
Did he really have to ask if she was alight? Of course she wasn’t alright! Didn’t he know what she went through? No....he didn’t, she hadn’t told him or anyone yet, had kept it to herself all this time.
Maybe she should...no, drop the maybe, she had to tell him what happened...help him understand why this was all happening so then maybe Casey wouldn’t be so lost as to what to do with her and then he would understand why she deserved this pain. Evies mouth opened and closed a few times before any words managed to come out, she had to do this now, they might be late for his little cruise but they could always apparate on board right? Make it seem like they had been there the whole time if they didn’t make it. This couldn’t wait, she had held it in to long.
W-we almost slept together, but I stopped it...Kept thinking of you, said your name instead of his....I went to the spare room to sleep...
Evie began, tears starting to come as she told Casey about this, he probably didn’t want to know that she almost slept with Trey but he had to know that she didn’t do it willingly. Evie's face was blank and she just looked out at what was in front of her as she recalled the events. It looked like she wasn’t even there, and she wasn’t mentally, to her she was back in that room, reliving every moment.
I don’t know how long it was, but someone came into the room and stood over the bad, watching me. I couldn’t see their face only his shadow. Somehow he managed to get my wand from under my pillow when I was sleeping....He raised it, started saying the killing curse..I kicked out my leg at him and ran for the door but he stopped me, used my wand and levitated me to the far wall...
She continued, giving Casey a play by play of what happened, how it was Trey that tried to kill her, how she charged at him in an attempt to get to the door, how he used the Cruciatus Curse to stop her from opening the door, throwing her back against the wall
"It was all too pathetically easy. Your husband’s so pathetically faithful to you, and our lord knew that, but he also had a plan, a plan erected during three years where he could do nothing but think. It was foolproof. He knew you and your husband were the greatest threat to him if you were together, so he had to figure out how to separate you. So, he came up with the idea to send me not only as a spy on going’s on in Hogwarts but also to work my way into your life.
"Simple enough, right? But no, he had an idea to make my job even easier, and a way to check how the mission was going. He knew you loved your husband too much to kill him right away, but he also knew if he created some cause for turmoil within your marriage with him, something to make Casey angry, something to make things difficult. He learned so much about what would make your husband tick those few months we watched him as a Death Eater. Oh sure, he did a great job keeping his cover, but at times it seemed even he couldn’t help but wince or make a face, nearly say something out of anger, especially when it came to you, love."
Evie said (not in those exact words but enough to let Casey know what had happened)
He squatted down in front of me and ran his hand along my face...Forcing me up and throwing me to the bed.
Her rocking started again but it was slow Used Levicorpus on me and locked my legs so I couldn’t get away from him, Trey taunted me, told me how everything with Morgana was a set up...
She told him everything, Trey leaning over her while she was stuck on the bed, this offer of the game...
He kissed me Evie spat out, anger laced within her voice as she said that, teary eyes hard set on the wall and her fist clenching tightly and she continued up to the point where Trevor hit her and knocked her out. Evie even told Casey about her dream, what happened in it; how Trevor said he would take Julian and raise him against everyone.
I woke up and I was dressed in the lingerie her voice started to break a little at this point He dressed me in it while I was unconscious she said in that anger, hate, scared tear tone of voice, continuing on to the letter, reciting it word for word, it forever being burned into her memory. Evie told Casey about being locked in the room dressed as she was, hearing Trevor’s voice as he watched her and taunted her, how she finally started to break and almost took the potion before destroying it and then destroying the room.
How Morgana was there and told Evie everything that she did to Casey, how Evie begged for it to all end, Trey coming in and pinning her to the wall
"Evie, Evie, you don't honestly believe I'd release you from your torment without trying the idea I mentioned out there, do you?"
She said quietly, hugging her knees tighter to her He put his hand on my thigh, slipped it under, "Would it help, love, if I looked like him? Because I can do whatever it takes to please you. Just say the word, and I can look like him." she recited so Casey knew brought my leg up around him Evie couldn’t hold it back anymore and she broke down again in tears, shaking her head said that your face could still be the last thing I see before I die...He did it, changed his looks to look like you. You were so disapointed, so hurt, disgusted at me for what I did, told me it was my fault that this happened, that I deserved what I had coming, you slapped me, spat at me... It was difficult but Evie finished up to the point where she somehow managed to escape. Her arms tightly around her knees for some sort of feeling of security, her face turning into her knees as she cried I'm so sorry Casey Evie said, still thinking that this was all her fault, her face lifting and her hands being placed over it as she cried, repeating that she was sorry over and over