Post by Justin McDowell on Sept 20, 2011 17:34:23 GMT -8
In response to The Last Letter.
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
9:00 a.m.
Yeah, it was forbidden. Yeah, there probably was a reason for it. Yeah, he probably should care a little more since he knew said reason. Yeah, he probably should care a little more because said reason could end up in his death, expulsion, or additions to his already numerous detentions he gained this year already. But did he? Not really. It was the one place he could actually escape to that no one would think to look. Sure, he could make it so no one could find him in the Room of Requirement by locking them out, but that took more effort and energy than blindly racing towards the forest at top speed after getting out of the Great Hall.
Of course, he had been a little more smooth than to simply jump up from his seat on the bench at the Hufflepuff table. In fact, he hadn't even read the letter when he had. The owl had dropped it, and he had simply stared at his name on the letter's envelope, surprised he had gotten a letter and even more surprised when his eyes recognized the writing. He had lost self control at that point and had snatched it before realizing he didn't really want to read this around his group of friends who might tease him for having a secret admirer (or different, if Panda had leaked about Melissa--something he had asked her not to do quite yet). So, he had quickly scarfed down the rest of his food and got up, shooting Panda a look urging her not to let anyone follow. He didn't want to be teased, and she owed him one after the awkwardness of two days prior.
Justin himself hadn't been sure what to expect from the letter as he had sat down by the Great Lake, but it certainly was not what he had found inside. Lissa wasn't supposed to "break up" with him only two days after their only kiss or before they had had any chance to even officially start anything. Her words were so rigid and formal, like she wasn't even talking to him as a friend, like she was perhaps emotional when writing it, like she was holding back, and it hurt to read. He had stood up and taken off then, not wanting to risk Panda, DC, Sofi, or anyone else coming out to talk to him.
As he walked, her words continued to cycle through his head. "I'm sorry... Alright? I'm sorry I came back into your life and messed everything up....I've dragged you into the mess I call a life, which it's clear just now you don't want to be in. " What the hell? Where did she even get that from? Where?! Of course he wanted her in his life. Why else would he have showed up on Monday? But the next words were what confused him and hurt him most to read.
"When you kissed me it was perfect, but when you walked away it
The scribbled out words had taken some effort to read, but he had managed to remove just enough of the ink with magic to make them out, and that hurt more than anything. He hadn't meant to break her heart. He had meant to keep himself in check. He had walked away because he didn't want anything more to happen. If anything were to ever happen between them, it couldn't be until she was free and they were thinking more clearly. They had been so emotional then even if both were trying to keep themselves in check. He wanted her like that, though. Didn't she understand that? Why else would he have kissed her the way he had!
Fiercely, Justin wiped his right eye with the part of his sleeve held tight between his thumb and index finger and then his left eye. He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry. Ah, hell! Who was he kidding? Of course he was going to cry. Why else would he be here where no one would find him, where he could cry and yell and do whatever else he felt the need to without anyone ever seeing him? Where he could do them without any shame?
Sniffling, Justin slumped against a tree, his arms crossing insecurely against his body. He had a brief thought of what could be crawling on that tree, but he shoved it away. It didn't matter now. Nothing did. Lissa had said that was her last letter, that she wouldn't write him again. He'd gone and ruined everything with one simple action. Instead of conveying his feelings for her, she had thought the opposite, and he wasn't sure if she would believe him if he sent her a letter saying he did want her that way and like her that way. She would probably think he was taking pity on her or something. Ugh!
"Why do I always have to fuck things up?" the Hufflepuff asked the air around him.