Post by ianto on Jun 20, 2012 0:22:07 GMT -8
December 25th, 2:05 AM
Christmas was always the hardest. Ianto couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't process on Christmas. He was glad that everything was going down after the holiday, because this was Anna's favorite holiday. He had spent years with her, watching her go about decorating the house in the weeks leading up to the holiday. As soon as Thanksgiving was over, Anna would start on the decorations, and each year they would only get more elaborate. It had made him laugh, winking at her, using a bit of magic to get the lights up on the outside of the house when there weren't any muggles around so he wouldn't have to go up a ladder and struggle with the bloody things. She loved Christmas, and he had nothing but fond memories for the holiday. Maybe that was what made it hard. Maybe that was what made his throat tight, made it hard to breath let alone sleep once the clock ticked over to the holiday.
There was a logical part of himself that knew this was silly. Yet, this was the one day a year that he struggled with the hardest. Things got bad on their wedding anniversary, but for some reason it was harder on Christmas. He wasn't at the safe house with Casey tonight, because he knew that he would fall apart. Instead he had found a room for rent, and had attempted to sleep for as much of the night as he could. He had turned all the clocks off so that he wouldn't have a reminder of the time, of the day. But the moment it turned into Christmas, Ianto just knew. He laid there for awhile afterwards, deep blue eyes on the ceiling above him, trying to get a handle on his emotions. But all he could think about was Anna. His wife. His everything.
Two hours he had tossed and turned, fighting with his emotions. Until it reached a level he couldn't bear anymore. Ianto sat up, shoving aside the unknown sheets and blankets as he sat on the edge of the bed breathing hard. He was shirtless, clad in only a pair of plaid PJ pants. His bare feet touched the cool wooden floor, and he ran his hands through his dark hair. He had broken out in a cold sweat at some point in the last two hours, and he knew he was on the brink. On the edge of breaking. For one day, for one damned day he could allow himself to break right? Three hundred, and sixty five days in a year. Ianto Sayer could break for just one damned day.
Things had been going at a stop and go pace since Casey had shown up into the picture. Planning, gathering the supplies, only to hurry up and wait. Searching buildings, doing tours, all sorts of things. Soon enough he'd be in the belly of the beast and he had to keep it together. But really, couldn't he break for just one day? Just one damned day?! Ianto found he could. Found that he could let himself break through those mental walls for just a day, just for the day that Anna loved so dearly that it was all she could talk about once fall hit. He sat there with his head in his hands, suddenly sobbing.
He only cried on Christmas. Maybe it was a gift to Anna, maybe it was a gift to himself, but Ianto could only find the courage to cry on Christmas. No one knew of course, he didn't tell anyone anything except he was busy on the holiday. Sobs wracked his body, chest heaving, throat tight. He was supposed to be tougher than this, but Anna. He had met Anna close to the holidays. Once upon a time she had been a cute, chipper, under classman that had somehow attached herself to his twin brother Iwan. They had become friends somehow, someway that Ianto never knew about. Probably breaking the rules in some way. He had been so straight laced, such a good little boy, and meeting Anna had changed everything. He hadn't known it at the time of course. He had been fifteen, and Anna had been thirteen. Nothing more than a friend, who was also friends with his brother. They often shared friends, and that was just the way things were.
He had quickly found out her love for the holiday that year. She had sent everyone presents. Every single person that she could manage, even if most of the gifts were some how hand made. He had thought it a little weird at the time, and she had been rather upset that he hadn't gotten her a gift. Told him to make it up to her next year, or she'd never speak to him again. Of course, he had no idea that by the same time next year they'd be dating. It was like she had changed from a completely awkward thirteen year old into the cutest girl he had ever seen. Iwan had never seen it, but that just made things easier for Ianto who had worried that his brother and Anna had feelings for each other.
He made it up to her by the second Christmas. Hand making a gift for her that was even too embarrassing for him to try and remember. All the dark haired man could remember was that there was something about love, and he had blushed to his ears sending it off to Anna McHallin. Maybe it was her eyes, those piercing blue-green eyes that always seemed to find the deepest parts of his soul. Her long, dark hair, the way she smiled... he really didn't know what it was about Anna that he had fallen in love with, but he knew that he had fallen hard that year. Just sixteen, and he had already met the love of his life.
Every single year they celebrated Christmas together. Minus the two years after he graduated that Anna was still in school for. But he had sent her gifts, written her letters, and just generally been a young man in love. Silly, that's what he had been, but he'd do it all again if he had the chance. Every single Christmas from the moment she graduated though, Ianto was roped into whatever she wanted to do for the holidays. He steadied his breath, trying to stop his sobs before they over came him, and laid back in the bed. Soft light from an outside post was peeking through the broken blinds. His tear filled eyes found it, and stared at it. Something was falling past the light, causing it to filter said light around the room. Snow. It was snowing.
Anna loved snow on the holiday. One of her favorite songs, one of those muggle songs was about a white christmas. I'm dreaming of a white christmas, that was the one. She wasn't the best singer he had ever heard, but she was always singing that song when she was putting up the decorations. At least if it hadn't snowed. Almost like it was a prayer of sorts, singing to the holiday gods that they would bless them with snow. Just for the twenty fifth. Just for that day. More often than not, she'd get her wish, and he'd have to shovel it off the drive way like every other muggle husband in the neighborhood. They had bought her childhood home, the place where she had grown up and celebrated so many Christmases in. His gift to her, the first Christmas after their marriage. It hadn't been the easiest thing to pull off, but he had managed.
Her childhood home had become a place of his nightmares. How many nights had they spent in that kitchen, with Anna sitting on the counter, drinking hot cocoa as they watched the snow fall out the window? Dinner cooking itself the way only a witch or a wizard could pull off, just enjoying a quiet moment on Christmas eve? He couldn't remember the long talks they had in that kitchen, half of them arguments about silly, stupid things that he regretted now. He could only remember the blood, the bodies, and one conversation out of everything else.
Sitting at the kitchen table shortly after Thanksgiving. The worn wooden, oak smooth and friendly under his hands. It was late, night had fallen, the kettle on the stove coming to a boil. The whistle had blown, but they had just sat there going over the information the doctor had given them that day over the phone. They weren't able to have children. Family was important to both of them, and they had hoped... but Anna wasn't able to have any kids, and she just blamed herself for taking away the joys of being a parent from Ianto. He didn't blame her, how could he? But she had been rather lack luster about the holidays that year. He had found her crying a time or two, and then went about doing everything he could to make it the best Christmas he could manage.
Of course, he burnt dinner on Christmas, and maybe the tree wasn't as well decorated as it was every time she did it, but it was there. Standing up right, even if he had somehow gotten a tree that was too tall, and so the star bent at a bit of an angle at the top. He had tried hard for her that year, juggling work, setting up decorations, trying to invite the family over like normal, getting everything together... and in the end it had been worth it. Her smile on Christmas morning had been the stuff of magic, and after his failed attempt at dinner she had laughed until she had cried. Ianto had held her, and after that moment she was back to her old self.
Christmas was everything to Anna. Everything that family was supposed to be, or something. Now that she was gone, forever, he didn't celebrate it. He had tried, that first Christmas, to go about life like normal. Had tried to get up in the morning, shower, shave, dress, and head out like it was any other day. The end result had been his failed attempt on his life. He hadn't been able to stand it that day, hadn't been able to think of a Christmas without Anna. How many years had they celebrated the holiday together? If she had still been alive now, this would have been the twentieth Christmas together. Twenty. Longer then their relationship by one year, give or take a couple of months.
That year had been hard on Ianto. He had slit his wrists, and tried to die from the pain that he couldn't stand anymore. Lying in that tub, bleeding out. He had lived because of a fluke, the muggle next door apparently had tried to bring him some Christmas cookies. A sweet, grandmotherly woman, if he remembered correctly. She had just known something was wrong, and convinced the super to open the door. They had found him, and next thing he knew he was in a hospital waking up. As soon as he convinced the doctors that he was perfectly sane, he was allowed to leave, and he hadn't tried that again. And yet... on Christmas, all he wanted more than breath itself was to be with his Anna.
His fingers tightened on the slightly scratchy blankets. At least he had stopped crying. At least sobs no longer wracked his body hard enough to hurt. Even now part of him wanted to end it all so he could just be with Anna. It was all he ever wanted though, constantly playing in the back of his mind. While other things had happened this week to make him question everything about life, he had to wonder. What would Anna think if she knew what he had done? What he was doing in her name? For revenge for her, Iwan, and his parents? Part of him was sure that they knew exactly what he was doing, and were glad. But he knew better. He knew he was just a bitter, horrible monster, out to take lives whether they were honestly guilty or not. But he couldn't do anything else.
What would Anna think about what had happened to Brigita? What he had done to that poor girl. He was a monster, but he had a heart. Somewhere, quietly beating in all of this mess. He had never kissed anyone but Anna in his life, and that was strictly removing any thought of that drunk night out of his mind. That didn't count. But he had met Brigita, and something had pulled him to the very young woman like a moth to a flame. Maybe it was the Veela in her, maybe it wasn't. He couldn't be sure, but what had happened, had happened, and now he wasn't sure what to do. Would Anna hate him for it? For not being true to her even now? Or would she hate him because of how old Brigita was? He couldn't know, but it was another question that burned in him.
Anna; his everything. The person in the world who had mattered more to him than his twin brother, or his parents. If he had lost the other three and still had Anna, he would have been able to recover. If he had lost Anna though, even with the rest of his family about him, he would have still become this twisted man. Ianto knew it. Anna was his life and breath, or had been. How many times had he told her that? He hoped that she remembered up until the day she had died. He hoped that whatever waited for her after it all, she still remembered. He remembered her, and he hoped that she remembered him.
PChristmas was always the hardest. Ianto couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't process on Christmas. He was glad that everything was going down after the holiday, because this was Anna's favorite holiday. He had spent years with her, watching her go about decorating the house in the weeks leading up to the holiday. As soon as Thanksgiving was over, Anna would start on the decorations, and each year they would only get more elaborate. It had made him laugh, winking at her, using a bit of magic to get the lights up on the outside of the house when there weren't any muggles around so he wouldn't have to go up a ladder and struggle with the bloody things. She loved Christmas, and he had nothing but fond memories for the holiday. Maybe that was what made it hard. Maybe that was what made his throat tight, made it hard to breath let alone sleep once the clock ticked over to the holiday.
There was a logical part of himself that knew this was silly. Yet, this was the one day a year that he struggled with the hardest. Things got bad on their wedding anniversary, but for some reason it was harder on Christmas. He wasn't at the safe house with Casey tonight, because he knew that he would fall apart. Instead he had found a room for rent, and had attempted to sleep for as much of the night as he could. He had turned all the clocks off so that he wouldn't have a reminder of the time, of the day. But the moment it turned into Christmas, Ianto just knew. He laid there for awhile afterwards, deep blue eyes on the ceiling above him, trying to get a handle on his emotions. But all he could think about was Anna. His wife. His everything.
Two hours he had tossed and turned, fighting with his emotions. Until it reached a level he couldn't bear anymore. Ianto sat up, shoving aside the unknown sheets and blankets as he sat on the edge of the bed breathing hard. He was shirtless, clad in only a pair of plaid PJ pants. His bare feet touched the cool wooden floor, and he ran his hands through his dark hair. He had broken out in a cold sweat at some point in the last two hours, and he knew he was on the brink. On the edge of breaking. For one day, for one damned day he could allow himself to break right? Three hundred, and sixty five days in a year. Ianto Sayer could break for just one damned day.
Things had been going at a stop and go pace since Casey had shown up into the picture. Planning, gathering the supplies, only to hurry up and wait. Searching buildings, doing tours, all sorts of things. Soon enough he'd be in the belly of the beast and he had to keep it together. But really, couldn't he break for just one day? Just one damned day?! Ianto found he could. Found that he could let himself break through those mental walls for just a day, just for the day that Anna loved so dearly that it was all she could talk about once fall hit. He sat there with his head in his hands, suddenly sobbing.
He only cried on Christmas. Maybe it was a gift to Anna, maybe it was a gift to himself, but Ianto could only find the courage to cry on Christmas. No one knew of course, he didn't tell anyone anything except he was busy on the holiday. Sobs wracked his body, chest heaving, throat tight. He was supposed to be tougher than this, but Anna. He had met Anna close to the holidays. Once upon a time she had been a cute, chipper, under classman that had somehow attached herself to his twin brother Iwan. They had become friends somehow, someway that Ianto never knew about. Probably breaking the rules in some way. He had been so straight laced, such a good little boy, and meeting Anna had changed everything. He hadn't known it at the time of course. He had been fifteen, and Anna had been thirteen. Nothing more than a friend, who was also friends with his brother. They often shared friends, and that was just the way things were.
He had quickly found out her love for the holiday that year. She had sent everyone presents. Every single person that she could manage, even if most of the gifts were some how hand made. He had thought it a little weird at the time, and she had been rather upset that he hadn't gotten her a gift. Told him to make it up to her next year, or she'd never speak to him again. Of course, he had no idea that by the same time next year they'd be dating. It was like she had changed from a completely awkward thirteen year old into the cutest girl he had ever seen. Iwan had never seen it, but that just made things easier for Ianto who had worried that his brother and Anna had feelings for each other.
He made it up to her by the second Christmas. Hand making a gift for her that was even too embarrassing for him to try and remember. All the dark haired man could remember was that there was something about love, and he had blushed to his ears sending it off to Anna McHallin. Maybe it was her eyes, those piercing blue-green eyes that always seemed to find the deepest parts of his soul. Her long, dark hair, the way she smiled... he really didn't know what it was about Anna that he had fallen in love with, but he knew that he had fallen hard that year. Just sixteen, and he had already met the love of his life.
Every single year they celebrated Christmas together. Minus the two years after he graduated that Anna was still in school for. But he had sent her gifts, written her letters, and just generally been a young man in love. Silly, that's what he had been, but he'd do it all again if he had the chance. Every single Christmas from the moment she graduated though, Ianto was roped into whatever she wanted to do for the holidays. He steadied his breath, trying to stop his sobs before they over came him, and laid back in the bed. Soft light from an outside post was peeking through the broken blinds. His tear filled eyes found it, and stared at it. Something was falling past the light, causing it to filter said light around the room. Snow. It was snowing.
Anna loved snow on the holiday. One of her favorite songs, one of those muggle songs was about a white christmas. I'm dreaming of a white christmas, that was the one. She wasn't the best singer he had ever heard, but she was always singing that song when she was putting up the decorations. At least if it hadn't snowed. Almost like it was a prayer of sorts, singing to the holiday gods that they would bless them with snow. Just for the twenty fifth. Just for that day. More often than not, she'd get her wish, and he'd have to shovel it off the drive way like every other muggle husband in the neighborhood. They had bought her childhood home, the place where she had grown up and celebrated so many Christmases in. His gift to her, the first Christmas after their marriage. It hadn't been the easiest thing to pull off, but he had managed.
Her childhood home had become a place of his nightmares. How many nights had they spent in that kitchen, with Anna sitting on the counter, drinking hot cocoa as they watched the snow fall out the window? Dinner cooking itself the way only a witch or a wizard could pull off, just enjoying a quiet moment on Christmas eve? He couldn't remember the long talks they had in that kitchen, half of them arguments about silly, stupid things that he regretted now. He could only remember the blood, the bodies, and one conversation out of everything else.
Sitting at the kitchen table shortly after Thanksgiving. The worn wooden, oak smooth and friendly under his hands. It was late, night had fallen, the kettle on the stove coming to a boil. The whistle had blown, but they had just sat there going over the information the doctor had given them that day over the phone. They weren't able to have children. Family was important to both of them, and they had hoped... but Anna wasn't able to have any kids, and she just blamed herself for taking away the joys of being a parent from Ianto. He didn't blame her, how could he? But she had been rather lack luster about the holidays that year. He had found her crying a time or two, and then went about doing everything he could to make it the best Christmas he could manage.
Of course, he burnt dinner on Christmas, and maybe the tree wasn't as well decorated as it was every time she did it, but it was there. Standing up right, even if he had somehow gotten a tree that was too tall, and so the star bent at a bit of an angle at the top. He had tried hard for her that year, juggling work, setting up decorations, trying to invite the family over like normal, getting everything together... and in the end it had been worth it. Her smile on Christmas morning had been the stuff of magic, and after his failed attempt at dinner she had laughed until she had cried. Ianto had held her, and after that moment she was back to her old self.
Christmas was everything to Anna. Everything that family was supposed to be, or something. Now that she was gone, forever, he didn't celebrate it. He had tried, that first Christmas, to go about life like normal. Had tried to get up in the morning, shower, shave, dress, and head out like it was any other day. The end result had been his failed attempt on his life. He hadn't been able to stand it that day, hadn't been able to think of a Christmas without Anna. How many years had they celebrated the holiday together? If she had still been alive now, this would have been the twentieth Christmas together. Twenty. Longer then their relationship by one year, give or take a couple of months.
That year had been hard on Ianto. He had slit his wrists, and tried to die from the pain that he couldn't stand anymore. Lying in that tub, bleeding out. He had lived because of a fluke, the muggle next door apparently had tried to bring him some Christmas cookies. A sweet, grandmotherly woman, if he remembered correctly. She had just known something was wrong, and convinced the super to open the door. They had found him, and next thing he knew he was in a hospital waking up. As soon as he convinced the doctors that he was perfectly sane, he was allowed to leave, and he hadn't tried that again. And yet... on Christmas, all he wanted more than breath itself was to be with his Anna.
His fingers tightened on the slightly scratchy blankets. At least he had stopped crying. At least sobs no longer wracked his body hard enough to hurt. Even now part of him wanted to end it all so he could just be with Anna. It was all he ever wanted though, constantly playing in the back of his mind. While other things had happened this week to make him question everything about life, he had to wonder. What would Anna think if she knew what he had done? What he was doing in her name? For revenge for her, Iwan, and his parents? Part of him was sure that they knew exactly what he was doing, and were glad. But he knew better. He knew he was just a bitter, horrible monster, out to take lives whether they were honestly guilty or not. But he couldn't do anything else.
What would Anna think about what had happened to Brigita? What he had done to that poor girl. He was a monster, but he had a heart. Somewhere, quietly beating in all of this mess. He had never kissed anyone but Anna in his life, and that was strictly removing any thought of that drunk night out of his mind. That didn't count. But he had met Brigita, and something had pulled him to the very young woman like a moth to a flame. Maybe it was the Veela in her, maybe it wasn't. He couldn't be sure, but what had happened, had happened, and now he wasn't sure what to do. Would Anna hate him for it? For not being true to her even now? Or would she hate him because of how old Brigita was? He couldn't know, but it was another question that burned in him.
Anna; his everything. The person in the world who had mattered more to him than his twin brother, or his parents. If he had lost the other three and still had Anna, he would have been able to recover. If he had lost Anna though, even with the rest of his family about him, he would have still become this twisted man. Ianto knew it. Anna was his life and breath, or had been. How many times had he told her that? He hoped that she remembered up until the day she had died. He hoped that whatever waited for her after it all, she still remembered. He remembered her, and he hoped that she remembered him. It was all he wanted for Christmas now.